Epiphanies

It seems like every year for the past few, I have had a major epiphany about myself. Maybe it's a sign of aging (!) or perhaps I'm in a slower phase of life right now and have a little more time (while folding the endless laundry or building lego towers) to contemplate things. Whatever the reason, my first resounding thought for 2008 occurred last week.

I think one of the first times I felt one of these "themes for the year" or "major lessons" occurring was in 2005, our first full year here in SC. I can vividly recall it - it was revealed to me, by God I have decided, that my first impressions (of which I had a lot, that year) cannot be trusted and are usually wrong. I was just so amazed after we had been here several months to discover that the initial conclusions I had so quickly drawn during our visit here and during the first few months we lived here, were shattered with time, and things were not as I had assumed they would be. It wasn't that things were worse, actually they were probably better than I had thought, but largely they were just different. I remember this specifically being true with regards to relationships, both the new ones and the surviving long-distance ones. So anyway, throughout the year, that epiphany resounded within me and has become part of who I am. Maybe I am less likely to jump to quick assumptions about how things will be, or maybe I've become a bit more patient with myself and more open to see how things develop. Either way, it was good to learn that about myself.

I'll spare you such a lengthy explanation of other year's thoughts. This year, though, I am still in the exploratory phase of this new insight. I have decided that this year I will be allowing other people to tell me no! Sounds arrogant, I know! It's not really as simple as that sounds. All I can say to explain is that in the past, I have tried to be pursuasive with someone when I felt like their reasons for saying no were unfounded, like they didn't know what they were missing or how things would really be if they went along with my plan! This assumption is based on some pretty arrogant thoughts - such as, I know what is better for someone than they know themselves and that others are incapable of making a good decision, so I need to badger them into making a better one which invariably agrees with me! What has made me like this, I wonder.

Anyway, the real question is what this will look like in the "new me". One big difference I notice in mature, Godly women is that they tend to talk a lot less than me. I think that will have something to do with this new insight. I think that there is still a place for encouraging others, but I think I will have to be analyzing my motives much more closely before determining if what I am "encouraging" someone towards is at all self-motivated. I don't think I have been mean-hearted in the past with what I have tried to convince folks to do or not to do. But arrogant, perhaps, in thinking I knew better what they ought to do. It is somewhat painful to put that word on myself!

However, if the shoe fits... Transformation is a necessary part of "the walk" and it could be a lot more painful than just having to admit to something like arrogance, so at this point I will just be thankful for a gentle lesson this year and try to keep this thought at the front of my mind until it becomes part of me! May God bless you with new revelations about what he wants to transform within you in this new year!